Victim or Warrior – you have a choice

The Comfort of Blame

Blame is a relief. That’s why people do it. It explains everything and demands nothing from you. Your partner is damaged, your parents failed you, your manager is incompetent. The story is complete. The villain is identified. And you’re off the hook.

But you’re not off the hook. You’re just not looking at what’s yours to handle.

The Loop

Most people don’t realise they’re doing it. They just see the truth. What he did. What she didn’t give you. What they expect. How they hurt you. These aren’t just narratives. They’re facts. You can articulate them perfectly. You’ve rehearsed them for years because they’re real.

Being able to explain yourself perfectly feels like you understand the situation. Like you’ve done the work. But you’re just describing the walls. You know exactly who’s to blame. You know exactly why you’re trapped. And that certainty is what keeps you trapped.

You wait. That’s what this looks like from the outside. Waiting for them to change, to apologise, to finally get it. But from the inside, it doesn’t feel like waiting. It feels like patience. Like giving them a chance. Like being the adult in the room. 

Meanwhile, you’re trading your life for an outcome you can’t control.

The Paradox

It’s not your fault. And it’s your responsibility.

This is where people get paralysed. 

You know it’s not your fault. You didn’t cause what happened. You didn’t deserve it. You couldn’t have prevented it just by being better or trying harder.

You also know that none of that changes what happens next. You’re the only one who can do something about it. You’re the only one with the power to move. Not them. You.

So you stand between these two truths like they’re fighting each other. If you take only the first truth, you’re off the hook but still trapped. If you take only the second one, you’re blaming yourself for what wasn’t your fault. 

Most people get frozen here. They keep trying to figure out which one is true, hoping that choosing one will solve the problem.

It won’t.

The move isn’t choosing. It’s refusing to be frozen by the choice. 

Yes, what they did was real and it hurt you. 

Yes, you’re still the only one who can choose what happens next. Not them. You.

The Cost

Every day you wait for them to change, you’re paying a price. Sometimes you see it. Usually you don’t.

You’re losing time you don’t get back – not just the hours, the years. You’re losing the version of yourself that could have been built in those years instead of defending against what was already built.

You’re teaching everyone watching you – your kids, the people who love you – that this is what love looks like. That this is how strong people behave. That waiting for someone else to make you whole is the responsible thing to do. They’re learning your cage from the inside.

You’re paying in small ways every day. In energy that could go toward your work, your growth, your dreams. It goes to managing him instead. To proving your point to her. To surviving the system instead of building something beyond it.

And you’re paying in the future. The ambitions you didn’t pursue because you were too entangled. The relationships you didn’t invest in because you were exhausted. The version of yourself at fifty or sixty who’s going to look back and see what you could have done if you’d just moved.

That’s the cost of waiting.

The Choice

You get to choose different.

Warriors aren’t people who never get hurt or trapped. They’re people who stop looking at who hurt them and start looking at what they’re going to do about it.

Leave. Stay and set boundaries. Change how they respond. Get help. Build something different. Build something despite it. Anything but waiting for the other person to become someone new.

The shift isn’t one decision. It’s a thousand small choices. Tiny refusals. Tiny commitments to yourself instead of to the story. Watching your own life instead of watching them.

It starts with recognition – seeing the loop you’re in. 

It gets harder when you realise the exit requires you to give up the explanation. 

To stop needing to be right about why you’re stuck. 

To take back the responsibility you handed over.

But that’s where your actual life is. On the other side of that refusal.

Victims wait. Warriors move. 

Not away from fear. Into what’s next.